Damn, It Must Feel Good to be a Viking

Most days I wish I were a Viking. No, fuck that. All days I wish I were a Viking and it makes me fucking angry. So angry that I would go berserk if I were a Viking, but, as I said, I’m not, and to think about that any further would be to instigate a philosophical quandary that intimidates the bejeezus out of me. So, instead, I’ll discuss a few of the pathetic reasons of why I’m not a Viking.

For starters I can’t sail. That’s a pretty big one right there. Because I’m not talking about those “Vikings” who stayed at home and farmed their whole lives. Those weren’t the real Vikings. They just got labeled as Vikings later on when “medieval Scandinavian” became synonymous with “Viking”. I’m talking about the real ones. The ones who got in a boat and sailed somewhere and fucking attacked somebody. Then they went home and farmed. Or they stayed away for good and farmed. Either way, they kicked some ass before they farmed and in order to kick that ass they had to sail somewhere to do it.

I also don’t know how to use a sword, or an axe, or a spear, or any other type of Viking weapon. Vikings didn’t sail to vulnerable lands and attack people with their bare hands; they armed themselves with some seriously heavy metal. I have never even touched authentic Viking weaponry before. I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to wield a mighty broadsword in the thick of battle without endangering my own life and those of my allies around me. Although I guess that’d make the enemy appreciate my efforts, so at least I’ve got that going for me.

But worst of all, I don’t even know anyone who would actually want to go a-Viking with me these days anyway. Sure, I haven’t bothered trying to recruit anyone, but it seems like everyone’s too caught up in their precious cubicles and their precious classes to even care. Honestly, I’d be pretty surprised if I could recruit a whole crew, much less a whole crew with genuine Viking potential. And an undermanned Viking crew is a sad, sad thing. At best we’d sink in the harbor while departing on our maiden voyage, sort of like the Vasa did nearly 400 years ago. The Vasa’s sailors weren’t Vikings, but they sunk pretty damn embarrassingly, and we would do just the same.

Maybe it’s the world we live in today that makes becoming a Viking such a nearly insurmountable task. It’s just so much easier to sit on your ass and work on your mundane work-progress-tracking spreadsheet than it is to get up and go and forcefully take what isn’t rightfully yours. That, and all the fucking laws that we’ve got now strongly discourage Viking behavior.

But that’s what makes the achievements of the modern Vikings all the more astounding. They overcame the worst aspects of today’s society and followed their hearts. Booty of both types beckoned and they answered. And that’s why I have such a great respect for them. It was such an honor for me to get the chance to meet all those guys, even though the interviews with them all really accentuated my own shortcomings. They lived the dream.

Heraldry

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