Pure Nordic Hatred, part 1

There are many things that I hate. To name a few: work, my cubicle at work, working in my cubicle at work, not working while in my cubicle at work, pretending to look like I’m working in my cubicle at work when I’m actually screwing around on the internet. The list goes on and on, but one of the absolutely most hated things of all, one of the things that makes the depths of my soul burn like the fiery graphics on Amon Amarth’s homepage, is the application process to which one is forced to succumb during the equally hated search for a cubicle in which to work, not work, or pretend to work while actually not working.

These days it’s all about having experience in order to get experience, even before you get started with your life’s work sentence. The sentiment usually runs something like this: “In order to have the high honor of doing this unpaid internship that you will need in order to get an oh-so-coveted real job later on, you must already have experience as an unpaid intern.”

What the fuck?

Vikings wouldn’t have put up with this bullshit. Vikings had no need to go online and fill out ridiculous applications, answering irrelevant questions only to never hear from the egocentric and seemingly omnipotent beings that comprise human resources. Vikings proved themselves by the sword, not by dicking around in an attempt to figure out the perfect format for their résumé/cv (which in the end doesn’t really matter anyway).

But suppose, just suppose, that medieval Scandinavians were required to submit an aesthetically pleasing list of achievements to be considered for a spot on a Viking crew. The highlights of such a candidate’s list would probably run something along these lines:

—Hunted walrus in the arctic; obtained valuable ivory
—Plundered Northumberland; acquired slaves
—Sold ivory and slaves in Dublin
—Killed someone over a minor dispute
—Participated in laying siege to Paris
—Presently serve in the king’s personal bodyguard

Here we see that the medieval Viking has led a satisfying and meaningful life with promise for a bright future. Now, just for comparison’s sake, let’s take a look at a more modern example. Here is what my résumé/cv would include:

—Went to secondary school
—Went to college
—Presently sit in a cubicle

The difference is remarkably pronounced. Whereas the medieval Viking excels at everything he attempts, I have only succeeded in withering away under a very unnatural lighting source. Certainly, part of this huge difference in personal achievement may be attributed to the huge differences that exist between medieval society and modern society (my last ramble touched somewhat on this subject). Nevertheless, there are those who are capable of overcoming modern society’s obstacles. It saddens me that I am not counted among them, but at least my good friend, Trond Troll-Breath, is.

Troll-Breath is the epitome of all that is good and decent in today’s world and this is the reason that I so frequently fall back on him to provide shining examples of slim hope in an otherwise hopeless era. He has graciously consented to let me post his own personal, if not thoroughly detailed, information here. It is as follows:

—Completed mandatory secondary school sentence
—Joined a whaling crew
—Became captain of a whaling ship
—Currently living life as the Modern Viking Movement’s answer to Hugh Hefner

So, as you see, even the big badass Troll-Breath himself began humbly enough with his school sentence. That’s just not something anyone, Vikings included, seems to be able to get out of these days. But as Troll-Breath’s personal history illustrates, it is at least possible to break out of modern society’s universal rut and achieve everlasting glory. Unfortunately, the odds against it are the highest they’ve ever been.

Furthermore, Vikings are few and far between these days and the only other types of people that seem to succeed in achieving these astonishing levels of glory are the talentless whores of pop culture. Sad as it may be, I, for one, would at least probably rather wither away under the unnatural cubicle light than be forced to live everyday of my life with the unshakeable knowledge that I am Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, or a rapper.


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