Goddamn, I hate those fucking leprechauns. I always have and I always will; that’s just the way I am. There isn’t a single pro-leprechaun bone in my body. Some people call this blind hatred, but I say that’s bullshit, because, in my dreams, I’ve seen the leprechauns with my own eyes. And they’re some seriously ugly, little fuckers.
I think the ugliness is probably one of the first things that people notice when they actually get the unfortunate opportunity to see a leprechaun. They look kind of like feral monkeys, only they wear goofy, green outfits and smell strongly of booze. And that’s not the only similarity they have to monkeys; leprechauns are also prone to hollering and swinging around in trees. And, I tell you, it’s not a cool thing when a leprechaun throws its shit at you. Not cool at all.
This one time I saw a leprechaun at the zoo, only he wasn’t wearing his green outfit. He was just going around all naked and indecent. He looked like some sort of old, grandpa leprechaun, so maybe he had gone senile in his old age and was suffering from whatever mental disabilities really old leprechauns suffer from. Anyway, this old leprechaun comes over to where me and my buddy are standing, and reaches down behind his ass and grabs a fresh wad of shit. Then he starts to smear the shit all over the glass in front of us. After that he decides that he doesn’t have enough shit, so he grabs yet another wad, and now he’s holding some in both hands. But I guess he doesn’t know what to do with it all, so he pops some in his mouth and tucks it away nicely in his lower lip, like he thinks it’s chaw or something. But instead of spitting the poop out when he’s done with it, this leprechaun leans up against the glass and lets it dangle out of his mouth just enough so that he can smear it around with his face. I swear, leprechauns are fucked up.
And that, in addition to my inherent hatred, is why I support the modern Vikings’ enslavement of leprechauns. Can you imagine letting these things run free? There’d be shit everywhere. I, for one, like the fact that I can walk outside and get in my imaginary long ship without leprechaun feces being flung at me. I wish it was a real long ship and not an imaginary one, but I think you get the idea. I’d be especially pissed if the leprechauns got shit on my long ship and it was a real one.
I also hate the leprechaun-equal-rights supporters. I hate them almost as much as I hate the leprechauns themselves. If we were to give equal rights to leprechauns, then what’s next? Equal rights for banshees? For griffins? For mermaids and mermen? I bet they all throw their shit, too.
Leprechauns don’t deserve equal rights; I hate them.