Napoleon Dynamite Needs to be Blood Eagled

So, I watched that Napoleon Dynamite movie for the first time the other day. What a fucking mistake that was.

I just don’t get why people like this movie so much. Is it the dweebs? People like this movie because of the dweebs? Or maybe they like it because of the liger? I had heard a lot about the liger before watching this movie, and I have to say, the liger didn’t really do it for me. I thought the liger was actually pretty lame and lacking entirely in entertainment value. As I sat there watching Napoleon draw and explain his fascination with these beasts, I could only think to myself, “God, I wish some Viking would show up and kill this fucking moron.”

But no Viking ever showed up and Napoleon unfortunately survived all the way to that atrocious marriage scene at the end (although I have to admit, it was actually kind of funny when the black dude acted all disgusted about the wedding). And it’s a pity, too, because having a berserker on the loose throughout the duration of this movie would have transformed it from drivel into an instant classic. Just imagine how awesome that would have been.

Instead of voting for Pedro, the denizens would all be running for their lives, and not even Pedro’s gangster relatives would be able to save them. The Viking would be like Elmer Fudd and chase Napoleon all over town. Sometimes he’d stop to look at the audience and make a wisecrack like, “Be vewy, vewy quiet, I’m hunting weetahds! Ehehehehe!” and then continue on his sensible rampage, somehow always letting the wily Napoleon escape his clutches, but killing anyone else who gets in his way (that mildly retarded girl with the sideways ponytail being among the first to go).

The plot would proceed like this until the Viking had killed every living person in the town except for Napoleon. The two would then finally come face to face in an old-fashioned, western-style standoff. They would attempt to stare each other down and the music would stop to help increase the suspense. Maybe there’d even be the sound of a heart pounding. And then, without flinching, Napoleon would start to draw another one of his precious ligers, while the Viking would simply draw his sword and make quick use of it. Blood would spatter everywhere and the Viking would proceed to blood eagle his dying nemesis. He would then ride off into the sunset on Tina the alpaca to the twang of classical guitars.

Heraldry

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