Unleash the Long Ships!

The Danes and Swedes are at it yet again, this time boasting their way towards mutual enmity over the glorious claim to “Capital of Scandinavia”, as reported by the English-language Swedish news site, The Local. The Swedes initiated the spat with their preemptive declaration favoring Stockholm as the possessor of this illustrious title. The Danes perceived the Swedish outburst as a form of unprovoked insolence and retaliated, brandishing their support for Copenhagen. And in true Viking fashion, the war of words has escalated beyond all sensible measures of embellishment and the tension continues to mount.

So far, so good. But, sadly, that’s as Viking as it gets. It turns out that neither side has the balls to take the next logical step by sacking the opposing city. Now, I would like to point out that I am a strong proponent of this strategy. Such a tactic would secure ownership over the title indefinitely. Geographic location, infrastructure, and all those other so-called criteria don’t mean jack if you’ve been subjected to the destructive chaos of a Viking raid gone horribly right. And my patience is wearing thin. The inhabitants of Copenhagen and Stockholm apparently prefer to twiddle their thumbs and talk about “extensive transportation systems” and “diverse foreign investments” rather than load up the long ships and deploy the berserkers.

So, I say, fuck them. Let’s bring Oslo into the fray. Sure, the city may be home to the decidedly un-Viking Nobel Peace Prize, but it is also situated within the historical Viken region, which might even be where the word “Viking” comes from, and that’s a kick-ass basis to claim “Capital of Scandinavia” right there that no one can refute. If planned properly, the Norwegians could theoretically disregard all potentially peaceful proceedings and set out from Viken in time-honored, warlike fashion, taking both the Swedes and the Danes by surprise, and thereby ensuring their own total domination over the Nordic region for decades, and possibly centuries, to come.

I’d also like to point out that the Norwegians possess an invaluable asset that neither the Danes nor the Swedes could easily counter: the Oseberg ship. It may have more likely been a royal pleasure boat than an actual warship and is now over a thousand years old and probably can’t float (hell, it would most likely fall apart if moved from its display) but that is a negligible point. Just imagine what a strong statement the Norwegians would make if they were to put that thing to sea. I suggest crewing the ship with a group of long-haired metal musicians (possibly wearing Viking helmets…as long as the headbanging isn’t hampered any) with instruments and amps powered by portable, onboard generators. There is no better way to spread the “Capital of Scandinavia” gospel than that.


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