The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #4: Ingrid Törnblom

Guys are naturally way more predisposed than girls are to losing a grip on life so badly that the only seemingly logical solution is to skip town in a boat and go a-Viking. Or maybe I’m mistaken and it just seems that way to me because my whole life has always been an unglamorous sausagefest. I’ll probably never know for sure one way or the other, but that is besides the point, because the point is that Ingrid Törnblom is the only female Viking hero unlucky enough to hypothetically be searching for a new job.

Human Resources Cock Mongrel: Welcome, Ingrid, please take a seat.

Ingrid Törnblom: Thank you.

HRCM: Is there anything I can get for you before we begin? A glass of water or cup of coffee perhaps?

IT: No, thanks, I’m fine for now.

HRCM: You sure?

IT: Yes, thank you.

HRCM: Here, let me just get you some coffee in case you change your mind.

IT: Thank you, but really—

[Sound of liquid pouring begins.]

HRCM: Think nothing of it. We like our guests to feel comfortable.

IT: Oh, that’s…nice of you.

HRCM: Not a problem. Just want you to feel welcome here. [Pouring sound stops.] Here you are. So, Ingrid, tell me, what’s a lovely woman like you hoping to get out of working here?

IT: Well, I had some time away from work recently, but now my circumstances have changed and I need to find a job again and this position looked like a good match based on my previous experience. I also like the location and it seems like the kind of place that’s stable and big enough for decent promotion opportunities.

HRCM: You’re right about that, we do try to promote from within as much as possible. In fact, the position you applied for is one of the few we opened up to the general public. We also have some of the best benefits in the business.

IT: Oh, right, I read about them on the website, actually.

HRCM: Oh, you did? That’s marvelous. Shows you’ve done your homework, we always like that in a candidate. [Editorial: Human Resources Cock Mongrel proceeds to describe the benefits at length despite Ingrid’s preexisting knowledge of them and his own acknowledgment of her preexisting knowledge. These remarks have been deleted for irrelevancy.] And, in addition to all of that, employees of a high enough stature even receive a very generous discount from Radisson SAS, you know for travel and even local conferences and meetings that last late into the night, that sort of thing. You wouldn’t be starting out quite at that level in the position we’re talking about today, but it’s something you could work your way towards. Of course, I’d always be happy to show you over there before you reach that point if you ever had [voice now taking a softer, smoother tone] need of the facilities.

IT [forces a laugh, sounds slightly irritated]: I’ll be sure to keep that in mind, if I get the job…and decide to take it.

HRCM [back to normal voice]: Right, right. I guess we shouldn’t be jumping to any conclusions now, should we? But you are one of our top candidates. I hope you become the [emphasizes the next word] top candidate when we’re finished here…

IT: Uhh, me too…

HRCM: So, you said you had a break from working and I see here on your resume that it’s been more than just a little time, looks like it’s actually been a few years since your last job. Why so long a break and what did you do during that time? I trust you’ve been diligent in keeping your skills sharp and knowledge up-to-date despite having been unemployed for so long.

IT: Well, actually, I technically wasn’t unemployed; I wasn’t actually looking for work during that time. The reason for the break was personal and I would really rather not—

HRCM: Oh, of course, of course. But just so you know, in that case, I’ll be needing a list of references so we can check around with your previous employers to make sure everything with them ended on good terms, no deeply-rooted personal issues that directly led to your dismissal or anything like that. [Chuckles.] You know how women tend to bring their personal problems to the workplace.

[Ingrid gasps.]

HRCM [confused]: What?

IT: You really don’t know?

[Pause.]

HRCM [faking empathy]: Oh! Come on, sugar, it was just a joke, please don’t take it so personally.

IT: It’s not so much a matter of taking it personally as it is the fact that you don’t seem to realize what’s wrong with having said it.

[Pause.]

HRCM: Oh, I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry. But just for the record, women do have a tendency to mingle their personal affairs with business, it’s a statistically proven fact and we can’t be having any of that. Your time off is a big red flag for us not just in the sense that your job skills have certainly deteriorated—and the question is only a matter of how much—but in this regard as well.

IT: Then why in fuck’s name did you invite me in here?

[Pause.]

HRCM: Well, we wanted to just—

IT [interrupting]: Nevermind. Did you happen to see the part on my resume where I spent a substantial period of time in law enforcement?

HRCM [voice conveys that this change in subject was unexpected]: Now that you mention it, I do think I remember seeing something about that. Did your time off have anything to do…[Trails off.]

[Sound of handcuffs jingling as Ingrid reveals them and lays them down on the desktop.]

HRCM [exhales in amusement, then tries and fails to sound suave]: Those for me? We could head over to the Radiss—

IT [interrupts, using a sultry voice]: Because what it doesn’t say is that I spent that time as an undercover agent actively participating in clandestine operations overseas. [Ingrid shifts her voice lower for even more sex appeal.] I’m particularly adept with brutal medieval weaponry, especially when it comes to situations that require stealth. I could kill you and paint the walls in this office red with your blood without ever making a sound.

[Pause.]

HRCM [chuckles arrogantly]: Come on, sugar, what kind of shit are you on? More importantly, can I have some? [Laughs again.] Tell you what, let’s just head over to the Rasisson SAS now, I’ll forget you ever said that, and we can discuss your future—

[Leather ruffles and metal clangs as Ingrid unsheathes a battle axe from within her briefcase and takes several swift steps towards Human Resource Cock Mongrel.]

HRCM [panic in voice]: Jesus Christ! What do you have an axe for?!

IT [back to normal voice]: It’s for slaughtering purposes. What, you didn’t think I’d come to a job interview unprepared, did you?

[Human Resources Cock Mongrel whimpers.]

IT: Now, what were you saying before I so impolitely changed the subject? [Sarcastically.] It really was rude of me, I feel so bad for doing it.

[Whimpering continues.]

IT: Well? Don’t try my patience any further…

HRCM [voice shaking]: It w-w-would be my pleasure to off-off-offer you the position—

IT: Oh, that’s so sweet of you. But you know what? I really don’t think I want it anymore. I have something else in mind now.

HRCM: Wh-wh-at do you w-want?

IT: Give me your wallet. [Pause.] ID, credit cards, gym membership, oh look at all that cash. You always carry 2000 kronor* around with you?

HRCM: Not u-usually. I was g-going to—

IT: You think I care? Let’s just say that makes today my lucky day. Now, if you would be so kind as to hold both hands out in front of you.

HRCM: Uhh…okay…

[Sound of handcuffs jingling again then clasping shut followed by a heavy thump on the floor. Human Resources Cock Mongrel groans but his groaning is quickly stiffled.]

IT: It was very nice to meet you, sugar.

[Door opens and closes again.]

 

Duration of Interview: 6 minutes, 15 seconds.
Outcome: Not hired, but dignity still in tact.

 

*At the time of this posting, 2000 Swedish kronor are equal to roughly $250 or 190€ or £165.

Heraldry

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