The hideous beast of a woman splayed the infants’ legs apart and scraped away at the mushy mess of fresh feces while the sick smell radiated outward, gagging those unfortunate enough to be caught within its sordid sphere of influence.
“Hush!” she upbraided her crying child, who shrieked only louder as the next wipe was scrubbed harshly against the delicate baby skin. When all traces of unwelcome stool were at last satisfactorily removed, the woman then grabbed the child’s feet and lifted them upward, sliding the dirty diaper out of the way and laying flat a new one in its place, thus beginning the redressing process and indicating that the show was over.
I stopped staring in disgust and moved on to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum’s next exhibit.* Not that this was the only time I’d ever seen a nasty diaper-changing procedure occur in an inappropriate public place (mall benches and airplane seats also come to mind); it simply remains the most memorable because it featured the most spectacle.
I wish Ingrid Törnblom had been there with me. She wouldn’t have settled for just idling watching this stunning example of society’s decay take place. She would have confronted the situation and shoved the butt-wipe into the woman’s face, aiming carefully so that some of the poop got in her mouth.
Which is actually the same way that Trond Troll-Breath would have reacted, so long as you also assume that something along the lines of “Choke on this you fucking monstrosity! Taste it! Taste it!” was shouted in the midst of it all.
But Ingrid is much more clever and subtle than that. While I suspect that some of the feces would no doubt end up on the woman’s face and/or in her mouth, the woman would have no idea how they got there. This is because Ingrid is stealthy like a ninja. Only, unlike ninjas, she’s also very attractive and possesses a good fashion sense and therefore doesn’t dress in goofy black outfits.
But anyway, the woman’s perplexity would only increase when security arrived to arrest her a few short moments later. Despite her legitimately honest pleas to the contrary, her official records would somehow irrefutably show that she was wanted for committing a disgusting series of perverse criminal acts against numerous wild and endangered animals—her victims reportedly including not only cuddly mammals, but also ferocious carnivores and all sorts of freaky exoskeletal creatures.
And all because she didn’t have the decency to take her child to the goddamned diaper changing station located in the public restroom.
*Anyone who’s ever wondered why American tourists have such a bad international reputation need only visit Washington D.C. during the summertime.