The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #5: Åke Nordensjö

The Final Installment

After much procrastination and deliberation, here at long last is the highly unanticipated final installment of the Modern Viking Job Interviews. I’m an honest guy so I can admit that this is pretty much a total non-event. In fact, it’s that same honesty that’s helped make me such a perpetual failure in the working world, since an overwhelming number of employers apparently don’t value honesty. Instead, they prefer dishonesty disguised as enthusiasm, as the following real-life example demonstrates:

BOSS: Hey you, can you get this done by end of day today?

ME: Hmmm…I don’t think so, sorry, I already have—

BOSS: Why not?

ME: Oh…well I’m still working on this other thing that’s due today. I guess I could stop it and get started on this new thing…but I don’t know, it’s already the middle of the afternoon, I’m not sure I can get both—

BOSS: Come on now, where’s your can-do attitude? Listen, why don’t we try this—why don’t you go ahead and give it a shot anyway and [walking away] just let me know if you have any problems getting them done before I leave at 5:00, alright?

Someone please spear me now.

But getting back to the topic at hand, this interview features the retarded Viking, Åke Nordensjö. Yes, Åke is retarded, thanks to a very serious and bizarre berserking mishap that occurred back during the height of the Modern Viking Movement. And just to avoid any ambiguity on that subject, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I mean retarded in the sense that he suffers from severe mental disabilities. I do not mean retarded in the sense that I simply wish to insult him because he irritates me with his retarded behavior. Not that I have anything against the mentally challenged, but the beauty of a word like ”retarded” is that it can work on so many levels, although that is beside the point here. The point is that poor old Åke had a job interview with that most infernal of soulless, bloodsucking demons: the Human Resources Cock Mongrel.

Now, a warning on the offhand chance that anyone out there might actually care: it is best to read the other interviews prior to this one. It is no mere coincidence that I saved Åke’s interview for last. In order to gain as much profound insight into contemporary hiring practices as possible, this one should be saved for last. Alternatively, you could choose just not to even bother with the others at all, or this one either for that matter. Hell, if you’re even still reading this, then I not only give you my deepest and sincerest thanks, but I also skål solemnly to your honor.

Anyway, here it is, Part 5, the final installment of the Modern Viking Job Interviews. Yippee.

The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #5: Åke Nordensjö

Human Resources Cock Mongrel: Ah, so you must be Åke. It’s nice to meet you.

[Åke makes a retarded noise that HRCM interprets as “Thank you, it’s nice to meet you, too” because HRCM speaks fluent Retard and cannot differentiate between it and his own native Bullshit.]

HRCM: So please, take a seat.

[Åke makes a louder retarded noise that HRCM hears as “Oh, thank you.”]

HRCM: Sure thing. So, I trust you didn’t have any problems finding us here?

[Åke makes a very simplistic retarded noise and drools a little, which HRCM hears as “No, none at all, thanks. Your directions were very good.”]

HRCM: Ah good, I’m glad to hear that. Well, Åke, why don’t we get right down to business? For starters, why don’t you tell me what made you decide to apply for the position of…[pause and sound of shuffling papers as HRCM searches for the job title in question]…[Editorial: job title deleted for irrelevancy]?

[Åke makes a prolonged retarded noise that HRCM hears as “Certainly, and well, for starters, I’d have to say that [Ed: name of organization deleted for irrelevancy] has always been of interest to me because of its stellar reputation in [Ed: field of industry deleted for irrelevancy]. But really, what got me interested in this particular position was—]

[Ed: remainder of interview has been deleted because it devolves into an irrelevant and mind-numbingly boring escapade of political correctisms, fake enthusiasms, and other mindless sentiments that expressly fit the cookie-cutter mold so desperately sought by the majority of inept human resources robots who ask their predictable bullshit questions with the expectation of hearing predictable bullshit answers.]

Duration of Interview: 1 hour, 23 minutes, 46 seconds.
Outcome: Hired, but dignity in tatters.


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