Archive for the ‘Uncategorized Drivel’ Category

The Boners of Östergötland

Friday, August 30th, 2013

In Östergötland, Sweden there are many boners carved into the surfaces of large rocks that protrude up through the ground. And, while we’re on the topic, I am sure there are many other boners in Östergötland of another sort as well…that also do their own sort of protruding. But those are not the types of boners that we are interested in here. No, we are interested in the rock-carving boners and these rock-carving boners have managed to keep it up for a solid 3000 years, which is a pretty good indication of an amazing level of stamina if you ask me. In addition to boners, these bronze-age Geats also carved pictures of boats, weapons, and animals. Clearly, these people had their priorities.

It is also interesting to note that Östergötland basically means Eastern Geatland in English. For those of you that are familiar with Beowulf, you will also know that he was a Geat, so we’re basically talking about boner carvings that were made by his ancestors. You can read more about these hällristningar (as they are known in Swedish) at Hällristningar i Norrköpings kommun (in Swedish only), which is also the owner of the image above. Some information in English is available at Upplev Norrköping but is unfortunately much less extensive.

The images below actually belong to me for a change.

Icelandic Lava Beer

Friday, June 28th, 2013

 photo lavabeer_zps01b3df40.png Finally! The Icelanders have begun smoking their beer (in addition to smoking their whales and their puffins). I personally can’t think of a more befitting national, Viking-appropriate meal for Iceland than one composed of smoked endangered animal, smoked cute little penguin-type thing, and smoked beer inspired by volcanic eruptions. How could you possibly go wrong with all those items sitting on your table all at the same time? The answer is: you can’t.

Plus it’s 9.4%, so knock yourself out with many and then go break down a door in a drunken rage. Odds are, you’ll only regret the monetary expenses, because Lava ain’t cheap.

Chiseling the Scandinavian Cheekbones

Tuesday, June 11th, 2013

So I just gave this website a major facelift, and by that I mean that there is now a very aggressive-looking, native Blue Sheep from Birka hanging out in the background off towards the right (and slightly towards the left as well, but that guy is fainter). If you look closely, you will be able to admire the finely chiseled cheekbones of the individual to the right, which is a trait he shares with the lovely Scandinavian women. You may also be able to see the killer intent in his eyes. I figure he is probably pretty good buddies with the even more hardcore Icelandic Killer Sheep:

 photo Icelandic_Killer_Sheep_zpsc3993d02.jpg

In fact, this guy is so intent on being aggressive that he goes around looking like he should probably stop trying already and just transform himself into a Norwegian black metal band instead. You used to be able to get his mugshot on t-shirts like the one pictured above, but that website seems to have been plucked away by some misguided valkyrie, though the corresponding myspace page still exists.

On a side note, I’m going to make a better effort at updating this damned blog on a regular basis again (as opposed to 1 post every 6 months). I finally got myself dislodged from the bigass boulder that I was living under since last fall and it is good to see the world again. Some sad things happened in that time (Stockholm burned, Boston bombed to name just 2) but some good, exciting things are indeed afoot: Amon Amarth is releasing a new album this month, the days are long, and the Bruins are in the finals. So, skål to summer!

Leif Eriksson on the Rocks

Friday, September 7th, 2012

Highland Park has gone and done something wonderful: they have produced Scotch in honor of Leif Eriksson. Why did no one think of this sooner? It took the discoverer of North America approximately 1012 years before he had a Scotch whiskey named in his honor? Sometimes I am ashamed of the world we live in. That sense of shame almost outdoes the sense of shame I feel from not having bought a single bottle of this magical liquid because a) it costs nearly $100 and b) even it it was less expensive, it can still only be found at international ports of entry.

Click here to visit the official Highland Park Leif Eriksson webpage.

Death in Digital Fire / World Reborn

Tuesday, August 28th, 2012

During the middle of the month, this site was sacked, pillaged, and put to the sword. My poor little Viking-toy-avatar-thing was passed around like an unfortunate Irish woman during the great Norwegian conquest of what was to become Dublin. But as the great story says, that which was the end would soon be reborn. I’m a little disappointed that so far this world looks worse than the previous one, but then that’s what I get for not backing up my goddamned files in over a year. Anyway, the site’s back up, and I’m going to try to work on getting some of the lost material back on here in the coming days/weeks (I’m slow). And if anyone knows how to include an image in a header in this newest version of wordpress, that’d be killer if you could let me know, since I’m no good at this shit. Skål!

Glory in a Bottle

Friday, May 27th, 2011

The Norsky brewers up at HaandBryggeriet are clearly modern day recipients of Odin’s wisdom and have held a cherished spot on my Viking Barley Brew list ever since I first compiled it. But they wanted to outdo themselves and so they started to age some of their brew in aquavit barrels, and the result is this Barrel-Aged Porter, complete with Norse carving decor on the label. Midgård would be a better place if there were more people like these guys out there, so skål to them!

Then on a more somber and unrelated note, the online literary magazine Bananafish recently suicided itself. This saddens me because Bananafish was one of those few sites that actually acknowledged the importance of writing about drunken leprechauns being held hostage in Viking dungeons, which is not a topic that most literary venues value. (And also the guy who ran the site seemed like a nice fellow). So, anyway, since Bananafish is now down for the count, I’ve reposted the content of my story that had been published there, and it can be found on the Encounter with a Miscreant page.

Lastly, a few parting words for the fallen Bananafish, plundered verbatim from the mighty Ville Laihiala (formerly of Sentenced):

“The shadows growing deep
We’ll be gone eternally
Our stars have fallen from the sky
Our dreams have faded into the night
No tomorrow
Not for us
Death and sorrow
Dust to dust
Dust to dust.”

Viking Classic Rock Parody

Sunday, February 27th, 2011

This one was brought to my attention by the good mead-brewing Stenhugger from Illinois. Apparently part of a television series in the UK called Horrible Histories, it’s called Literally: The Viking Song and is an amusing take on the Viking raids on England delivered in the form of music video.

Happy Up Helly Aa!

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

On the last Tuesday of every January, the honorable jarls up in Shetland celebrate the end of the yule season by setting everything on fire. It’s called Up Helly Aa and not only is it a glorious homage to Viking glory, but it’s also the biggest fire festival in Europe.

Unfortunately, I’m not cool enough to have actually been to Up Helly Aa myself, so I pilfered this photo from Millgaet Media instead. I think it’s an awesome photo and I’m jealous of whoever took it.

Viking Tower in Newport, Rhode Island

Friday, January 7th, 2011

New update to the Boston-area Viking Monument page. This one just happens to be an old stone tower. Back in the day folks thought Vikings erected it. Vikings definitely erected a very many things, especially when they got a little too excited with the pillaging and there happened to be some fine ladies around, but this, alas, was not among them. But still, it’s cool, or at least somewhat interesting, I think. Check out the placard that discusses its Norse history below. …Hail onwards »

Barley Wine Fit for Valhalla

Friday, October 29th, 2010
Thereupon stood the enemy host. It was a fine day with blue sky overhead. Then the two forces joined in battle and fought fiercely, nor was there need to goad them on. Much shouting followed, and a furious blowing of trumpets.

As dawn approached, Andhrimnir Barley Wine Ale said: “It seems to me this battle did not go my way.” And then slumped down and died from its wounds. Andhrimnir Barley Wine Ale is now out of this story.

So this brave warrior was crafted by Nøgne Ø, a brewery in Norway. Their site does not have any information about this particular brew, but check out some of their others. They pack a mean punch. Oh, and the name of the brew refers to Valhalla’s chef for anyone who might be wondering, so I suspect Andhrimnir Barley Wine Ale probably goes really well with resurrected roast boar.

Viking Booze Burial Mound

Friday, June 18th, 2010

Hail and skål! A substantial update to the Viking Brews and Booze directory has been made, and just in time for Friday night and Midsommar, no less. Besides the two new sub-directories of Fruity Booze (wines and ciders) and the Viking Booze Burial Mound (which celebrates the Einherjar of Viking beverages), the other sub-categories have been updated in recent weeks to include: Herslev Bryghus, Odin’s Brewing Company, Olvishult Brugghus’ Freyja Wheat Ale, Midnight Sun’s Viking Dark Strong Ale, Heidrun’s Meadery, Clontarf Whiskey, and more.

In other update news, Modern Viking Job Interview #5 ought to be going up in the next week or so. Yeah, I know. Pretty damn thrilling.

Happy midsummer!

Hammer of the North

Sunday, May 30th, 2010

Bang your head to the sound of the Hammer of the North with Grand Magus! These Stockholm guys have a traditional type of metal sound, so that should comfort those of you who are batty and don’t much care for the death metal growl (you know who you are!). Their cover art for the album is cool, too. It’s a picture of a wolf devouring the moon. Appropriate!

Also, over the course of the next few weeks the final Viking job interview should be posted. There should also be a substantial update to the booze directory and another lesson of Norse History for Bostonians. That is assuming I don’t start sucking even harder than normal and fail to do these things. Let the unanticipation begin.

Hollywood Sucks the Balls of Unoriginality

Sunday, April 25th, 2010

I’ve been thinking this for a while now and finally got irate enough to sit myself down and vent, because Hollywood really sucks hard. Hard like the sharply inhaling gusts of Njord hard. Not that this is really anything new, but it seems to me that the powers-that-be in Hollywood have hit an all-time low when it comes to originality. Particular case in point, all the remakes being planned of recent, well-done Swedish movies …Hail onwards »

Irish Glory

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

Normally I don’t condone Viking defeats, but I’m always willing to make an exception when it involves beer, especially when it involves Irish beer during this particular time of year!

Legbiter Ale is brewed by Strangford Lough Brewing Company and is dedicated to King Magnus Barefoot of Norway, who sailed to Ireland to monger war, conquer, pillage, and die in battle (click the photo to go to the brewery’s website). He is said to be buried near Saint Patrick in County Down, Northern Ireland.

More information about Viking history in Ireland (particularly as it relates to Bostonians) shall be posted here on Wednesday the 17th if all goes according to plan.

Sláinte/skål!

Norwegian Scientists Find That Monkeys Are Precisely 3 Times Better Than Leprechauns

Friday, February 26th, 2010

Those Norwegians are at it again!

Norwegian Scientists Find That Monkeys Are Precisely 3 Times Better than Leprechauns

This time hails and skåls go out to Cavalier Literary Couture. And yes “couture” may just be one of the least-Viking words out there, but we won’t hold that against them. Their site has an attractive look and the editors clearly have the still north in their hearts and hill winds in their veins. Also check out the Dead Beat Dad Writes the Birthday Invitations for some good humor.