Posts Tagged ‘personal shortcomings’

Holger the Sleepy

Monday, August 10th, 2015

Holger Danske, or Ogier the Dane as he’s known in the non-Scandinavian-language-speaking parts of the world, slumbers in the deep, dark dungeons of Hamlet’s castle, Kronborg, about an hour north of Copenhagen, defending Denmark with his staunch snoring. It doesn’t look like a very comfortable position. Personally, if I was going to sleep for years on end, I’d prefer to lie down and take off my armor. But then I’m a lame, weirdo blogger type of person, whereas Holger is a heroic badass who will wake and arise whenever his nation is threatened, so I think he probably does most things better than me, especially when it concerns medieval warfare, battle-preparedness, and general sexiness of appearance.

This particularly sexy rendition of Holger was sculpted by Hans Peder Pedersen-Dan back in the glorious year of ’07 (1907, that is). Pedersen-Dan, not only sculpted this great Nordic hero, but also made some important contributions to the Carlsberg Brewery, so he deserves double skåls for that.

Check out the photos below for an additional, sexy shot of Holger himself as well as his humble abode.

Self-Condemned in the Tunnelbana

Thursday, April 2nd, 2015

It’s been a long time coming, but for one small moment of glory (and one day too late to be an April fool’s joke) I have failed at failing: the good folks at Jersey Devil Press have decided not to reject one of my pieces of investigative journalism. They have actually decided not to reject me in the past as well and for this I am grateful and should probably take it as a sign to be more productive rather than lamenting my successes at failing and then giving up at that and deciding to look for a beer instead.

Anyway, this counter-failing deals with the notorious and notoriously attractive Ingrid Törnblom, her exploits in Baltic raiding and slave-taking, her general disregard for me, and my general inability to behave like a normal human being while in her presence. Click the link below to learn more!

Self-Condemned in the Tunnelbana

And while we’re at it, why not check out the earlier pieces of investigative journalism? They’re highly educational and completely factual, especially the part about the hostile leprechaun taking my luggage in the vast mead hall.

Fear and Loathing in Western Sweden

Welcome to the Mead Hall

And on a final note, here is a video that I think really captures the ideals and accomplishments of Ingrid, even if the non-vocalists are a bunch of dudes.

Heroes of Norse Proliferation: Quorthon

Sunday, April 27th, 2014

It was only a matter of time until Quorthon’s name was added to this not-so-golden hall of Heroes of Norse Proliferation, and that time has finally come. I unfairly prolonged that time with my uncanny ability to slack off at updating this obscure blog, but despite my best efforts to be ineffective and lazy, I can’t fight fate forever, and neither could the All Father of Viking Metal for that matter. He’s dead, and here I am, no longer going on a full-out berserker-level rampage of neglect and laziness at promoting his glory.

I hope most of you who have somehow managed to find this website know who he is. If you don’t, check out this short biography, then drink some mead and watch this video:

Chiseling the Scandinavian Cheekbones

Tuesday, June 11th, 2013

So I just gave this website a major facelift, and by that I mean that there is now a very aggressive-looking, native Blue Sheep from Birka hanging out in the background off towards the right (and slightly towards the left as well, but that guy is fainter). If you look closely, you will be able to admire the finely chiseled cheekbones of the individual to the right, which is a trait he shares with the lovely Scandinavian women. You may also be able to see the killer intent in his eyes. I figure he is probably pretty good buddies with the even more hardcore Icelandic Killer Sheep:

 photo Icelandic_Killer_Sheep_zpsc3993d02.jpg

In fact, this guy is so intent on being aggressive that he goes around looking like he should probably stop trying already and just transform himself into a Norwegian black metal band instead. You used to be able to get his mugshot on t-shirts like the one pictured above, but that website seems to have been plucked away by some misguided valkyrie, though the corresponding myspace page still exists.

On a side note, I’m going to make a better effort at updating this damned blog on a regular basis again (as opposed to 1 post every 6 months). I finally got myself dislodged from the bigass boulder that I was living under since last fall and it is good to see the world again. Some sad things happened in that time (Stockholm burned, Boston bombed to name just 2) but some good, exciting things are indeed afoot: Amon Amarth is releasing a new album this month, the days are long, and the Bruins are in the finals. So, skål to summer!

Death in Digital Fire / World Reborn

Tuesday, August 28th, 2012

During the middle of the month, this site was sacked, pillaged, and put to the sword. My poor little Viking-toy-avatar-thing was passed around like an unfortunate Irish woman during the great Norwegian conquest of what was to become Dublin. But as the great story says, that which was the end would soon be reborn. I’m a little disappointed that so far this world looks worse than the previous one, but then that’s what I get for not backing up my goddamned files in over a year. Anyway, the site’s back up, and I’m going to try to work on getting some of the lost material back on here in the coming days/weeks (I’m slow). And if anyone knows how to include an image in a header in this newest version of wordpress, that’d be killer if you could let me know, since I’m no good at this shit. Skål!

A Disgruntled Viking in the Workplace

Monday, September 6th, 2010

The thing about work is, it sucks, at least for most of us. The upshot is that you get paid for doing it, although that traditionally reliable characteristic seems to have been put to the test in recent years by excessive competitiveness amidst an ongoing recession, the rise of internships, and other various forms of bullshit. …Hail onwards »

The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #5: Åke Nordensjö

Thursday, June 24th, 2010

The Final Installment

After much procrastination and deliberation, here at long last is the highly unanticipated final installment of the Modern Viking Job Interviews. I’m an honest guy so I can admit that this is pretty much a total non-event. In fact, it’s that same honesty that’s helped make me such a perpetual failure in the working world, since an overwhelming number of employers apparently don’t value honesty. Instead, they prefer dishonesty disguised as enthusiasm …Hail onwards »

End It Like a Viking

Monday, January 4th, 2010

In keeping with the global theme of expressing false hope for a good new year, I decided to kick off 2010 with a more upbeat and positive posting than is usual here at the world’s most obscure and futile website devoted to promoting modern Viking glory: by talking about scarring, emotionally devastating break-up scenarios. …Hail onwards »

Slaughter the Parents, part 3

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

I was standing in line at the post office watching the stupid little kid molest the automatic stamp-dispensing machine. The child-molester was having a grand ole time, fondling the poor machine’s buttons, probing its slots, and slapping its knobs like a domineering sadist, but the machine didn’t like it and beeped several times to indicate its displeasure at this sort of physical harassment. That’s when the child-molester’s father finally intervened, “Whoa there, champ, molest that machine gently.” …Hail onwards »

Vikings Didn’t Seek Self-Validation through Social Media

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

Check out this ridiculous bullshit:

    Almveig Egilsdottir is milking the cows. Again.
    Thor’s Day at 0615

    Knut Bjørnsson is wondering why he bothered signing up for the
    plundringtåg in Frisia in the first place.
    Odin’s Day at 2258
            Inga Eriksdottir Oh no! Is everything ok? Miss you…:-/
            Odin’s Day at 2321
            Hrafn Bleary-eyes Dude, that sucks…come home wealthy.
            Odin’s Day at 2358

    Olafr the Sly just won two goats in a duel!
    Odin’s Day at 2033
            4 Norse people like this. …Hail onwards »

A Midsummer’s Wishful Slaughter

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

Some years ago, back before I had mastered the art of achieving successive levels of personal failure in the “real world,” one of my friends and I went souvenir shopping in Stockholm’s Gamla Stan. We were having a good time until a family of unspeakably obese Americans entered the same store as us and immediately proceeded to bring stereotypical public shame to our shared nationality. …Hail onwards »

Prudential Center Sicko

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

So, I had gone to drop a deuce the other day at the Prudential Center in Boston’s Back Bay neighborhood when a pervert stuck his head under the stall wall and looked up at me. I had been happily daydreaming about destructive medieval warfare and archaic Scandinavian woodcarving techniques …Hail onwards »

Die Not Alone: The Pathetic Saga of the Dead Mouse

Monday, December 15th, 2008

A few days ago I woke up with a dead mouse lying beside me on my bed. It was a stellar moment, one that will certainly rank among my personal best for 2008. It’s not every day that you wake up, turn over, and see a deceased rodent with a painful “the end is near” grimace frozen on its lifeless face …Hail onwards »

Viking Grab Ass

Tuesday, August 12th, 2008

Back when I was still in school, my chemistry teacher used to tell us to stop playing so much grab ass. I was usually asleep during these alleged bouts of grab ass, so I’m not totally sure how out of control the grab ass actually got, but we were told to stop it very, very often. You see, lots of times the gnarly, old chemistry teacher would go into the backroom so that he could write chemical equations in peace and quiet …Hail onwards »

Vehicular Viking Slaughter

Thursday, July 17th, 2008

It has recently been of considerable debate as to whether a Viking, if removed from his proper historical context and placed in our current era, would commit berserkergång with a vehicle. This thought has been implanted and nurtured by no less than the very same reasons that would potentially compel the hypothetical Viking to succumb to vehicular battle-rage …Hail onwards »