Posts Tagged ‘Slaughter’

Valentine’s Day Romance: Epic Norse Slaughter

Monday, February 14th, 2011

No, not that kind of romance. There are no hearts to be found here, unless you count the kind that have been brutally carved out of the chest cavity in the midst of unstoppable berserker rage. That’s right, we’re talking about the national romanticism kind of romance that was popular back in the late 1800s and the early 1900s.

One Norwegian guy, Gerhard Munthe, was pretty into Norse history back in those days and he glorified the epic naval Battle of Hjørungavåg in this mighty tapestry, now housed at Norway’s National Museum of Decorative Arts. Thousands of Norwegians and Jomsvikings were slaughtered and the sea off the coast of Sunnmøre turned red with their blood. It doesn’t get much more romantic than that.

A Short History of the Epic Norse Slaughter at Clontarf for Bostonians

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

A Short History of the Epic Norse Slaughter at Clontarf for Bostonians: an educational lesson at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

Starting with this one, these lessons in Norse history are becoming a regular feature over there. Now, don’t get too excited all at once.

Norse Marauders Wreak Mayhem

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

Here’s a badass painting of Norsemen conducting some intensive slaughter in Ireland by artist Tom Lovell:

Good Tom apparently dealt mostly with cowboys, but when he decided to take on the Vikings, he did so with all the glory of a stark raving mad berserker, only he was armed with a paintbrush instead of a massive medieval battleaxe. The smoky, warmongering palate of this painting pairs well with mead and the music of Amon Amarth.

Bladder-Voiding Fear and the Threat of Viking Force

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Trond Troll-Breath slammed his beer down on the table, bent close so that he came face-to-face with the stubborn child, and, with ale-tinged spittle flying, roared:

“You eat your slice of pizza now or so help me Odin I will jam it so far down your throat that my fist will be coming out your ass! You’ll be so tightly wrapped around my arm that I’ll be forced to wear you as padding against my shield the next time I go to battle! The last thing that you’ll ever hear will be the sound of my crazed screams for more slaughter as the battle-rage sweeps over me from where I stand in the shield wall …Hail onwards »

A Midsummer’s Wishful Slaughter

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

Some years ago, back before I had mastered the art of achieving successive levels of personal failure in the “real world,” one of my friends and I went souvenir shopping in Stockholm’s Gamla Stan. We were having a good time until a family of unspeakably obese Americans entered the same store as us and immediately proceeded to bring stereotypical public shame to our shared nationality. …Hail onwards »

Vehicular Viking Slaughter

Thursday, July 17th, 2008

It has recently been of considerable debate as to whether a Viking, if removed from his proper historical context and placed in our current era, would commit berserkergång with a vehicle. This thought has been implanted and nurtured by no less than the very same reasons that would potentially compel the hypothetical Viking to succumb to vehicular battle-rage …Hail onwards »

Death by Viking

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately, which I suppose is only natural since I have a job. Thoughts such as, “Dying might actually be better than doing this bullshit” and “If I were dead I wouldn’t have to be here right now” have become rather commonplace. This type of thinking inevitably gives way to a tantalizing variety of at-work-death-scenario fantasies …Hail onwards »