Posts Tagged ‘Troll-Breath’

On the Origins of Petalwilter

Sunday, November 21st, 2010

I decided today that the time has finally come to discuss Trond Trondsen’s sword, the illustrious Petalwilter. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned Petalwilter by name before on this site, so its mere mention must be pretty exciting for the 2 or 3 of you who somehow randomly found your way here and are wondering, ”Why the fuck haven’t I clicked my browser’s back button yet?” …Hail onwards »

A Disgruntled Viking in the Workplace

Monday, September 6th, 2010

The thing about work is, it sucks, at least for most of us. The upshot is that you get paid for doing it, although that traditionally reliable characteristic seems to have been put to the test in recent years by excessive competitiveness amidst an ongoing recession, the rise of internships, and other various forms of bullshit. …Hail onwards »

The Watch

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Why do some guys seem to enjoy strutting around naked in the locker room so much? I’ve never understood this. And it’s usually the old, wrinkly guys who are the main culprits. They just stand around chatting, letting it all hang out, taking up valuable floor space, and altogether just delaying the much-needed re-clothing process. Recently, I even saw one guy washing his socks in the locker room sink while naked. Why? I mean seriously, why? …Hail onwards »

Bladder-Voiding Fear and the Threat of Viking Force

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Trond Troll-Breath slammed his beer down on the table, bent close so that he came face-to-face with the stubborn child, and, with ale-tinged spittle flying, roared:

“You eat your slice of pizza now or so help me Odin I will jam it so far down your throat that my fist will be coming out your ass! You’ll be so tightly wrapped around my arm that I’ll be forced to wear you as padding against my shield the next time I go to battle! The last thing that you’ll ever hear will be the sound of my crazed screams for more slaughter as the battle-rage sweeps over me from where I stand in the shield wall …Hail onwards »

End It Like a Viking

Monday, January 4th, 2010

In keeping with the global theme of expressing false hope for a good new year, I decided to kick off 2010 with a more upbeat and positive posting than is usual here at the world’s most obscure and futile website devoted to promoting modern Viking glory: by talking about scarring, emotionally devastating break-up scenarios. …Hail onwards »

Slaughter the Parents, part 2

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

The hideous beast of a woman splayed the infants’ legs apart and scraped away at the mushy mess of fresh feces while the sick smell radiated outward, gagging those unfortunate enough to be …Hail onwards »

Welcome to the Mead Hall

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

Welcome to the Mead Hall is a glorified/self-deprecating account of the first time I ever met Trond Troll-Breath. Published online by Word Riot, this marks the first time a literary entity has not completely blown off my research about the Modern Viking Movement. Hail to Word Riot!

Click here to read Welcome to the Mead Hall at www.wordriot.org. (Note to Norse nitpickers: the editor(s) changed “nithing” to “nothing” in the text, not me!…doesn’t really matter though since the meaning’s the same.)

But first, a short, highly educational video from Lasse Gjertsen that provides deep insight into Norwegian profanity:

Slaughter the Parents, part 1

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

The children run and scream and throw things and cry and get in the way and their parents just let them. Usually, no one ever confronts these animals, and as an introverted social moron, I am no exception. But Trond Troll-Breath is, since he’s an amazing Norwegian Viking.

…Hail onwards »

The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #1: Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen is the most Viking of the modern Vikings. He has absolutely no patience for bullshit, which is a disastrous attribute when it comes to job interviewing situations.

Human Resources Cock Mongrel: Hi Trond, nice to meet you. Come right on in and take a seat.

Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen: Thanks, nice to meet you, too.

HRCM: Have any trouble finding the place?

TTT: No, not really.

HRCM: That’s good, that’s good. So, Trond, why don’t we get right down to business. Why do you want to work here?

[Trond chortles and rolls his eyes.]

HRCM: Is something funny?

TTT: I was just laughing at your joke was all. It was pretty good.

HRCM: I’m afraid it wasn’t a joke, Trond. I’d like you to answer that question.

TTT: You’re serious?

HRCM: Yes, I am. Please tell me why you wish to work here.

TTT: Well, why the fuck do you think? Because I need a mother-fucking paycheck. Nobody just applies for a job because they think it will be fun. Get real. And here I thought you were just being funny.

HRCM: Uh…I beg your pardon?

TTT: You heard right. This is all bullshit. I’ll prove I can do the job if you want to talk about that, but don’t waste my time dicking around with pointless bullshit questions. They’re not constructive for you and they’re sure as hell not constructive for me.

HRCM: Well, I’m not sure what to tell you, Trond.

TTT: You don’t have to tell me anything. We both know you’re just asking them because it’s what’s expected of you. They’re not relevant at all. You probably haven’t had an independent thought in years. You’re wasting my time.

HRCM: Actually, I’ve only asked one question so far, but seeing how you feel, I must say I’m going to have a very difficult time recommending you as a good fit for our organization. I suggest—

TTT [standing up]: Give it a rest. This interview is fucking over.

[Trond angrily flips the desk over in the Human Resources Cock Mongrel’s face and storms out without saying another word.]

 

Duration of Interview: 1 minute, 20 seconds.
Outcome: Not hired, but dignity still intact.

Viking Grab Ass

Tuesday, August 12th, 2008

Back when I was still in school, my chemistry teacher used to tell us to stop playing so much grab ass. I was usually asleep during these alleged bouts of grab ass, so I’m not totally sure how out of control the grab ass actually got, but we were told to stop it very, very often. You see, lots of times the gnarly, old chemistry teacher would go into the backroom so that he could write chemical equations in peace and quiet …Hail onwards »

Vehicular Viking Slaughter

Thursday, July 17th, 2008

It has recently been of considerable debate as to whether a Viking, if removed from his proper historical context and placed in our current era, would commit berserkergång with a vehicle. This thought has been implanted and nurtured by no less than the very same reasons that would potentially compel the hypothetical Viking to succumb to vehicular battle-rage …Hail onwards »

Death Metal Recital

Thursday, June 19th, 2008

Recently, by means of succubine trickery and beguilement, I found myself haplessly stuck in the Middle of Nowhere, Vermont (population: insignificant) attending a ballet recital. For four countless hours I suffered through various stages of boredom and depression, flirted with insanity, and listened to the entire The Lion King soundtrack twice, because once apparently just wasn’t enough …Hail onwards »

Death by Viking

Tuesday, July 17th, 2007

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately, which I suppose is only natural since I have a job. Thoughts such as, “Dying might actually be better than doing this bullshit” and “If I were dead I wouldn’t have to be here right now” have become rather commonplace. This type of thinking inevitably gives way to a tantalizing variety of at-work-death-scenario fantasies …Hail onwards »

Pure Nordic Hatred, part 1

Sunday, May 6th, 2007

There are many things that I hate. To name a few: work, my cubicle at work, working in my cubicle at work, not working while in my cubicle at work, pretending to look like I’m working in my cubicle at work when I’m actually screwing around on the internet. The list goes on and on, but one of the absolutely most hated things of all …Hail onwards »