Posts Tagged ‘urination’

Vikings Have No Respect for Standard Hiring Protocol

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

If I’ve gotten my chronology correct, it was The Orlando Sentinel that made such a splash last week with its report that employers are intentionally filtering unemployed applicants out of their potential hiring pools (the story having since been picked up by The Huffington Post and others). Sure, this sucks, but where’s the big surprise? Is this really that new? That’s what I don’t understand. Why are so many people (at least among those receiving mention online) so surprised? If that soulless entity known as Human Resources ever ceased to be shortsighted, it would also cease to be recognizable as Human Resources. Shortsightedness is one of the defining characteristics of Human Resources. (The others, so far as I can tell, are power-mongering, cronyism, discourteousness, and general imbecility) …Hail onwards »

Bladder-Voiding Fear and the Threat of Viking Force

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Trond Troll-Breath slammed his beer down on the table, bent close so that he came face-to-face with the stubborn child, and, with ale-tinged spittle flying, roared:

“You eat your slice of pizza now or so help me Odin I will jam it so far down your throat that my fist will be coming out your ass! You’ll be so tightly wrapped around my arm that I’ll be forced to wear you as padding against my shield the next time I go to battle! The last thing that you’ll ever hear will be the sound of my crazed screams for more slaughter as the battle-rage sweeps over me from where I stand in the shield wall …Hail onwards »

Prudential Center Sicko

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

So, I had gone to drop a deuce the other day at the Prudential Center in Boston’s Back Bay neighborhood when a pervert stuck his head under the stall wall and looked up at me. I had been happily daydreaming about destructive medieval warfare and archaic Scandinavian woodcarving techniques …Hail onwards »

The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #2: Björn Svensson

Friday, January 30th, 2009

Here we witness warrior-poet, Björn Svensson, as he is forced to squirm under the godforsaken spotlight of that most unholy of abominations, human resources …Hail onwards »

The Modern Viking Job Interviews, #1: Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen is the most Viking of the modern Vikings. He has absolutely no patience for bullshit, which is a disastrous attribute when it comes to job interviewing situations.

Human Resources Cock Mongrel: Hi Trond, nice to meet you. Come right on in and take a seat.

Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen: Thanks, nice to meet you, too.

HRCM: Have any trouble finding the place?

TTT: No, not really.

HRCM: That’s good, that’s good. So, Trond, why don’t we get right down to business. Why do you want to work here?

[Trond chortles and rolls his eyes.]

HRCM: Is something funny?

TTT: I was just laughing at your joke was all. It was pretty good.

HRCM: I’m afraid it wasn’t a joke, Trond. I’d like you to answer that question.

TTT: You’re serious?

HRCM: Yes, I am. Please tell me why you wish to work here.

TTT: Well, why the fuck do you think? Because I need a mother-fucking paycheck. Nobody just applies for a job because they think it will be fun. Get real. And here I thought you were just being funny.

HRCM: Uh…I beg your pardon?

TTT: You heard right. This is all bullshit. I’ll prove I can do the job if you want to talk about that, but don’t waste my time dicking around with pointless bullshit questions. They’re not constructive for you and they’re sure as hell not constructive for me.

HRCM: Well, I’m not sure what to tell you, Trond.

TTT: You don’t have to tell me anything. We both know you’re just asking them because it’s what’s expected of you. They’re not relevant at all. You probably haven’t had an independent thought in years. You’re wasting my time.

HRCM: Actually, I’ve only asked one question so far, but seeing how you feel, I must say I’m going to have a very difficult time recommending you as a good fit for our organization. I suggest—

TTT [standing up]: Give it a rest. This interview is fucking over.

[Trond angrily flips the desk over in the Human Resources Cock Mongrel’s face and storms out without saying another word.]

 

Duration of Interview: 1 minute, 20 seconds.
Outcome: Not hired, but dignity still intact.

The Poetry of the Bladder

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

As recent events committed by certain, highly esteemed members of Scandinavian society have shown, urination can be a great form of revenge. By urinating on somebody and/or his or her possessions, you are effectively saying:

“Hey you! Get the fuck over here you fucking asshole! I fucking hate you and everything about you. I wish to choke your hopes and dreams on my smelly urine …Hail onwards »

Death Metal Recital

Thursday, June 19th, 2008

Recently, by means of succubine trickery and beguilement, I found myself haplessly stuck in the Middle of Nowhere, Vermont (population: insignificant) attending a ballet recital. For four countless hours I suffered through various stages of boredom and depression, flirted with insanity, and listened to the entire The Lion King soundtrack twice, because once apparently just wasn’t enough …Hail onwards »