End It Like a Viking

In keeping with the global theme of expressing false hope for a good new year, I decided to kick off 2010 with a more upbeat and positive posting than is usual here at the world’s most obscure and futile website devoted to promoting modern Viking glory: by talking about scarring, emotionally devastating break-up scenarios.

My own personal method of engaging in the unwanted break-up conversation basically involves an involuntary and systematic shutting down of all thought-processing faculties followed by a lengthy bout of morose speechlessness. Other people collapse and weep and beg or get hostile and argue heatedly. Some even lose self-control and resort to palm-slapping , fist-pounding, knife-wielding, or gun-toting violence. None of these are effective options. But then most of us aren’t Vikings, so this isn’t entirely surprising.

An admirable Viking would baffle and harshly belittle any soulless bitch/bastard who might try to sever the relationship in question while simultaneously causing him/her to feel genuine remorse and acute levels of self-pity. Here’s how Trond Troll-Breath would handle such a situation were it ever to occur, however unlikely it might be that someone would actually want to dump him in the first place:

Whore (in the insulting sense, not the literal*): Trond, we need to talk.

Trond: About what?

Whore: Our relationship.

Trond: Oh.

Whore: It’s just that I’m not sure if we should keep seeing each other.

Trond: Okay.

Whore [sounding slightly unraveled]: You see, it’s just that I don’t—

Trond: I said “okay,” so you can go now.

Whore [taken aback]: What?

Trond: I was good and faithful to you while it lasted but now I don’t want to hear your heartless, emotional babble; you can leave.

Whore: But I thought that—

[Sound of a phone being dialed.]

Whore: What are you doing?

Trond [to Whore]: Quiet.

[Whore makes one of those artificial but indignant snorting type of sounds.]

Trond [into phone]: Hey, Ingrid? Yeah, hey, how are you doing?…Oh, not much, just polishing one of my swords…so, I was just calling to see if you’d be interested in coming over…no, no, we just broke up actually…yeah, it was her doing not mine, yeah I don’t understand the reason why, didn’t make any sense to me…but how’d you like to have some chilled mead and watch The 13th Warrior here in my opulent mead hall?…Great, see you soon.

[Phone disconnecting.]

Trond [back to Whore]: You’re still here?

Whore [sounding increasingly less confident]: Who was that?

Trond: Ingrid. She’s really hot.

[Short moment of silence.]

Whore [sounding suspicious]: Ingrid who? How long have you known her? Did you—

Trond: No. And why haven’t you left yet? Please, go now. I don’t want her to have to see you on your way out.

Whore [sounding baffled in addition to unconfident]: I…uh…

Trond: You know where the door is, grab a tissue on your way out if you like. Oh, and good luck with the rest of your life.

Whore [sniffling]: Thanks…

[Sound of a door opening and closing.]

*Trond does not, has not, nor ever will pay for it.


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3 Responses to “End It Like a Viking”

  1. I wish I had used this method when I had the chance. Although, I would have flipped if whore sassed me. Skoal!

    • Rowdy says:

      That’s the thing, hindsight is always 20-20! It is best we learn from our mistakes so we can employ the proper techniques in the future rather than make the same errors all over again. Such an end to a break up would be so satisfying! Even if you do have to flip out a little.

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