Archive for the ‘Rambles’ Category

On the Origins of Petalwilter

Sunday, November 21st, 2010

I decided today that the time has finally come to discuss Trond Trondsen’s sword, the illustrious Petalwilter. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned Petalwilter by name before on this site, so its mere mention must be pretty exciting for the 2 or 3 of you who somehow randomly found your way here and are wondering, ”Why the fuck haven’t I clicked my browser’s back button yet?” …Hail onwards »

A Disgruntled Viking in the Workplace

Monday, September 6th, 2010

The thing about work is, it sucks, at least for most of us. The upshot is that you get paid for doing it, although that traditionally reliable characteristic seems to have been put to the test in recent years by excessive competitiveness amidst an ongoing recession, the rise of internships, and other various forms of bullshit. …Hail onwards »

Vikings Have No Respect for Standard Hiring Protocol

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

If I’ve gotten my chronology correct, it was The Orlando Sentinel that made such a splash last week with its report that employers are intentionally filtering unemployed applicants out of their potential hiring pools (the story having since been picked up by The Huffington Post and others). Sure, this sucks, but where’s the big surprise? Is this really that new? That’s what I don’t understand. Why are so many people (at least among those receiving mention online) so surprised? If that soulless entity known as Human Resources ever ceased to be shortsighted, it would also cease to be recognizable as Human Resources. Shortsightedness is one of the defining characteristics of Human Resources. (The others, so far as I can tell, are power-mongering, cronyism, discourteousness, and general imbecility) …Hail onwards »

The Watch

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Why do some guys seem to enjoy strutting around naked in the locker room so much? I’ve never understood this. And it’s usually the old, wrinkly guys who are the main culprits. They just stand around chatting, letting it all hang out, taking up valuable floor space, and altogether just delaying the much-needed re-clothing process. Recently, I even saw one guy washing his socks in the locker room sink while naked. Why? I mean seriously, why? …Hail onwards »

Bladder-Voiding Fear and the Threat of Viking Force

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Trond Troll-Breath slammed his beer down on the table, bent close so that he came face-to-face with the stubborn child, and, with ale-tinged spittle flying, roared:

“You eat your slice of pizza now or so help me Odin I will jam it so far down your throat that my fist will be coming out your ass! You’ll be so tightly wrapped around my arm that I’ll be forced to wear you as padding against my shield the next time I go to battle! The last thing that you’ll ever hear will be the sound of my crazed screams for more slaughter as the battle-rage sweeps over me from where I stand in the shield wall …Hail onwards »

End It Like a Viking

Monday, January 4th, 2010

In keeping with the global theme of expressing false hope for a good new year, I decided to kick off 2010 with a more upbeat and positive posting than is usual here at the world’s most obscure and futile website devoted to promoting modern Viking glory: by talking about scarring, emotionally devastating break-up scenarios. …Hail onwards »

Slaughter the Parents, part 3

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

I was standing in line at the post office watching the stupid little kid molest the automatic stamp-dispensing machine. The child-molester was having a grand ole time, fondling the poor machine’s buttons, probing its slots, and slapping its knobs like a domineering sadist, but the machine didn’t like it and beeped several times to indicate its displeasure at this sort of physical harassment. That’s when the child-molester’s father finally intervened, “Whoa there, champ, molest that machine gently.” …Hail onwards »

Vikings Didn’t Seek Self-Validation through Social Media

Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

Check out this ridiculous bullshit:

    Almveig Egilsdottir is milking the cows. Again.
    Thor’s Day at 0615

    Knut Bjørnsson is wondering why he bothered signing up for the
    plundringtåg in Frisia in the first place.
    Odin’s Day at 2258
            Inga Eriksdottir Oh no! Is everything ok? Miss you…:-/
            Odin’s Day at 2321
            Hrafn Bleary-eyes Dude, that sucks…come home wealthy.
            Odin’s Day at 2358

    Olafr the Sly just won two goats in a duel!
    Odin’s Day at 2033
            4 Norse people like this. …Hail onwards »

Slaughter the Parents, part 2

Wednesday, October 7th, 2009

The hideous beast of a woman splayed the infants’ legs apart and scraped away at the mushy mess of fresh feces while the sick smell radiated outward, gagging those unfortunate enough to be …Hail onwards »

Slaughter the Parents, part 1

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

The children run and scream and throw things and cry and get in the way and their parents just let them. Usually, no one ever confronts these animals, and as an introverted social moron, I am no exception. But Trond Troll-Breath is, since he’s an amazing Norwegian Viking.

…Hail onwards »

A Midsummer’s Wishful Slaughter

Thursday, August 6th, 2009

Some years ago, back before I had mastered the art of achieving successive levels of personal failure in the “real world,” one of my friends and I went souvenir shopping in Stockholm’s Gamla Stan. We were having a good time until a family of unspeakably obese Americans entered the same store as us and immediately proceeded to bring stereotypical public shame to our shared nationality. …Hail onwards »

Bastards of a Lying Breed; or I Don’t Know Why Human Resources Says Goodbye, I Say Hello

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

“Think of what you’re saying,
You can get it wrong and still you think that it’s all right.
Think of what I’m saying,
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night.

We can work it out.
We can work it out.

Life is very short, and there’s no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that’s it’s a crime,
So I will ask you once again.”*

Good relationship advice for any emotionally insecure individual who prefers detrimentally running away from his/her problems rather than cooperating productively …Hail onwards »

Lessons for Norse Youth Forgotten

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

I’ve been wondering lately if the Norsemen raised their impressionable young children with such dogmatic life-lessons as these:

“You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up as long as you put your mind to it.” …Hail onwards »

Fairhair in the Classroom

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

I’ve done a damn fine job of avoiding school entirely the last few years but I still think about it now and again. Sometimes I just happen to be walking down the street or doing some other life-defining activity when, without any real visual or auditory signal, I suddenly remember to myself, “Goddamn, school sucked.” …Hail onwards »

Prudential Center Sicko

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

So, I had gone to drop a deuce the other day at the Prudential Center in Boston’s Back Bay neighborhood when a pervert stuck his head under the stall wall and looked up at me. I had been happily daydreaming about destructive medieval warfare and archaic Scandinavian woodcarving techniques …Hail onwards »