Sagas of Pathetic and Banal Exploration

This is where I compile links to my chronicles of investigative journalism research into the lives of the modern vikings that have been published at various outposts around the world wound web.

So, if you’re looking to know more about the Norwegian whalers who turned merciless giftshop pillagers or Sweden’s last great plagiarizing skald with a drinking problem, please venture onwards and explore the links below!

Rekindling the Varangian Flame, Part 1
Rekindling the Varangian Flame, Part 2
Experience the good vibes of the suicidal viking metal band, Varjagikaarti, and its members’ voyage deep into the land of the Rus.

Dream Hard On
Join drunken Swedish warrior-poet, Björn Svensson, as he struts around a rocky cove naked, bellowing fierce obscenities at the waves, and talking about Odin’s willy.

Self-Condemned in the Tunnelbana
Feel intimidated by Ingrid Törnblom as she discusses the history of her fierce Viking sisterhood that excelled so well in combat that it drew inevitable comparisons to the Spartans of ancient Greece, the samurai of feudal Japan, and the Jedi Knights of the Intergalactic Republic.

Fear and Loathing in Western Sweden
Learn about Björn Svensson’s hostile aggressions against the Little Mermaid statue in Copenhagen while he’s passed out on the deck of his fishing trawler.

Welcome to the Mead Hall
Join Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen, the Norwegian whaler who sacked Lindisfarne’s gift shop, for a feast in his mead hall. Originally published online at Word Riot, before it went down its own Hel-road.

Encounter with a Miscreant
Join Trond “Troll-Breath” Trondsen’s gang of Neo-Norse whalers for some good, old-fashioned bone-throwing fun and leprechaun prisoner shenanigans. The intro paragraph got cut from this when Daily Drunk transitioned to its new website format, so here it is: “A spare rib struck me in the face, causing me to spill my mead, which in turn made me the recipient of a large number of menacing stares. Before I could even attempt to recover from this public embarrassment, all of the projectiles that had been flying haphazardly across the wooden table just moments earlier started to be hurled relentlessly in my general direction. I needed to remove myself from the fray quickly if I wanted to avoid the age-old shame that comes from being buried alive beneath a pile of gnawed-upon bones.”

In addition to the Neo-Norse chronicles above, I also write short, deeply philosophical pieces that examine such timeless subjects as the water quality of the beasts’ aquatic abyss and the importance of discussing medieval conflict resolution strategies while on a first date, among other pertinent items of inquiry:

For low quality metal fiction, visit:
Misadventures in Heavy Metalling (at Metal Sucks)

For tales of stupidity and failure, visit:
Points in Case, Robot Butt, or Slackjaw (at Medium)

For travel tips in New England and Scandinavia, visit:
Mainly Museums

Finally, here are two nightmarish humor tales published at McSweeney’s before it morphed into a predominately political/parenting website:

I Bring the Soul-Defiling Spirit of True Norwegian Black Metal to Our Corporate Office Environment

Introducing: macOS HellScape

I also write McSweeney’s longest-running and incredibly unpopular column, Norse History for Bostonians.