Hollywood Sucks the Balls of Unoriginality

I’ve been thinking this for a while now and finally got irate enough to sit myself down and vent, because Hollywood really sucks hard. Hard like the sharply inhaling gusts of Njord hard. Not that this is really anything new, but it seems to me that the powers-that-be in Hollywood have hit an all-time low when it comes to originality. Particular case in point, all the remakes being planned of recent, well-done Swedish movies:

Låt den rätte komma in (Let the Right One In), the popular vampire movie based on the popular vampire novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist. Knowing Hollywood’s love for doing what’s already been done, they will probably try to cast Robert Pattinson as 12-year old Oscar and Kristen Stewart as the approximately 12 year-old Eli, that is, assuming neither of them die from a drug overdose first. No wait, that’s unrealistic. Any movie house that tried to pull that stunt would probably get their ass sued into the next century by Paramount Pictures for trademark infringement. Next:

Män som hatar kvinnor (Men Who Hate Women ie. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo—publishers in the English-speaking countries felt their readers/audiences wouldn’t react positively to the hype and extensive marketing strategy if the original title was kept) and its sequels based on the popular trilogy by Stieg Larsson.

Snabba cash (Easy Money), based on a Swedish suspense novel by Jens Lapidus that hasn’t even been released in English yet. This is a solid example of Hollywood taking unoriginality to the next level by preempting the release of the book’s translation.

And there’ll probably be more, too, since Hollywood is comprised of a bunch of fad-loving weirdos and Scandinavian novels and films are pretty hip right now.

But I like that these quality Scandinavian novels and films are actually getting some recognition here in Vinland and maybe some of these Hollywood remakes will even be decent, who knows? I enjoyed Insomnia with Robin Williams and Al Pacino even though it was a total Hollywood rip-off. All I’m saying is that the folks in charge in Hollywood suck balls and I’m just using these Scandinavian examples to help set up my main question: whatever happened to Hollywood movies not based on novels, foreign films, older films, tv shows, comic books, video games, amusement park theme rides, or children’s toys?

Or has Hollywood always been this all-encompassing in its unoriginality? I guess unoriginality is nothing new to Hollywood, but I get the impression that they’ve taken it to new heights in these last few years. It seems like originality has maybe even become too much of a financial risk for the big movie houses. I could easily see a short conversation like this one unfolding in a trendy/pompous raw bar in southern California:

Creative Film Director Guy or Gal: This is a great script; original, clever, funny. It’s not like anything else out there at the moment. I totally want to make this film.

Big Movie House Balls-Sucker: Are you fucking crazy? We’re not going to take a chance on this. It doesn’t already have an established fan base, like Transformers, GI Joe, Sex and the City, or anything having anything remotely to do with superheroes. Plus it requires some measure of thinking in order to understand what’s going on, and that’s a huge liability in this country. Now, go make the live-action Heathcliff movie instead, you fucking jackass.

Although that scenario doesn’t really hold up well in the particular case of foreign films, since they typically don’t have a huge preexisting following here in Vinland in the first place. It’s like a catch-22: sure, these Swedish and other foreign language movies probably wouldn’t ever rake in as much money as something like The Dark Knight, but then they aren’t really given much of a chance either…unless it’s a Mel Gibson movie featuring a dead foreign language.

But speaking of Mel Gibson and dead foreign languages, he’s apparently going to do a Viking movie. Supposedly, he’s going to force Leonardo DiCaprio to speak Old English and Old Norse. That has the potential to be wicked cool. I hope Hollywood doesn’t screw it up by forcing it to be a lame Norse imitation of something out there that is already popular.

One Reply to “Hollywood Sucks the Balls of Unoriginality”

  1. Skål and Hail. Hollywood has balls?? I don’t think so. It must be something else they’re sucking, like their thumbs and not just gullible people into watching the trite trash dished up year after year. Well maybe it is a reflection on us as a people that we demand and watch this shallow nonsense, but then 80% of people are just useless eaters anyway. I saw a screeing of the original movie ‘The Vikings’ the other day complete with Ernest Borgnine and Kirk Douglas. It was better than I remember, having seen it last more than 20 years ago, and had a surprising attention to detail of some historic facts. Well then you compare it with that computer generated rubbish that came out a couple of years ago (so memorable the name escapes me) with a grendl that looked like it had come out of a marvel cartoon. Don’t those idiots know how to do research and know what the history of the Grendl is? Barbarians! Well Mel Gibson could make a good movie about vikings I am sure, although he would probably have to spend is own money doing it if it is to be done properly. He could fall off the wagon to star in a support role of a drunken and belligerent member of the Thing. As far as Leonardo Di Caprio is concerned, any rightful viking would cram his rayban aviators up his nose, rip his head off and piss down his neck hole. What sort of a pussy viking would he make? Pah! One to definitely include would have to be Eric Banna. Anyway, skål and you’re all still earslings.

Comments are closed.