Translating an archaic literary work from a semi-foreign language to English is always a solitary task, and one that will probably be automated by AI in the near future, ultimately eliminating the livelihoods of many people across many professions as the world takes one giant leap towards becoming the godforsaken Hellscape it is destined to become. But be that as it may, we’re not quite there just yet, and so I’m translating The Impudent Edda from Bostonian to English.
The Impudent Edda is a unique work in a class of its own. The third and concluding part of The Edda Trilogy, The Impudent Edda was recorded on a well-preserved (but cracked and urine-stained) mobile phone device in 2019, rather than written down on parchment or vellum in the 1200s. But that does not lessen its importance any. As many armchair folklorists and online lifestyle gurus have noted, The Impudent Edda is the most important find relating to Norse mythology and ancient Scandinavian spiritual beliefs to have been discovered since the exhumation of the Oseberg Ship.
The first edition of The Impudent Edda was released as a verbatim transcript in 2020 under the title, Norse Mythology for Bostonians. This version presented the stories of Odin’s successful suicide attempt, Freyja’s experiment with prostitution, Thor’s petty misdemeanor at a Dunkin’ Donuts, and other tales of spiritual guidance in the original Bostonian language. For folks who are fluent in Bostonian (or willing to learn it), more information about that edition may be found here: Norse Mythology for Bostonians: A Transcription of the Impudent Edda.
But now, finally, this treasure trove of mythological knowledge is being translated for a general, English-speaking audience. As a Puffin Carcass Deluxe Edition, this volume will include four new (recently uncovered) myths, six new photos, approximately seventy new footnotes, expanded front and end matter, and glorious new cover art. The full list of wondrous tales of ancient Scandinavian religious knowledge that will be presented in this edition is as follows:
- Cosmological Frost Giant Genocide
- Middle-Earth is Just an Eyelash on the Celestial Gallows Pole
- The Original Gandalf was a Maggot
- How Not to Get Away with Witch Murder
- Odin Sends Freyja a Dick Pic
- Wicked Good Dwarf Treasure
- Odin Commits Suicide
- Thor Begets the Green Monster
- Loki Gets Boned by a Horse
- Blood Spit Honey Death
- Bad Poets Drink Bird Shit
- Lyfjaberg Gets Taken by Eminent Domain
- The Night Freyja Walked the Streets
- Frey’s Inglorious Gay Bar Experience
- Loki is a Dead-Beat Dad
- Divine Hands Make Good Wolf Fodder
- Never Go Apple-Picking with a Bad God
- The Mistreatment of a Deviant’s Ballsack
- Tyr Enters a Mosh Pit
- Thor’s Cross-Dressing Misadventure
- Odin Experiments with Public Vagrancy
- Sad, Flaccid Sex God
- Thor Renews His Driver’s License
- Hostile Cattle Decapitation Day
- Asgard Hosts a Pumpkin Festival
- Thor Wades through the Menstrual Fluid Fjord
- Only Foolish Gods Ride the Green Line
- Brady Gets Suspended (featuring the Díkbonatal)
- Belichick Rides to Hel
- Loki Swims with the Fishes
- Snake Poison Torture Time
- Thor Breaks and Enters into a Dunkin’ Donuts
- Everyone and Everything Dies
There’s a ways to go yet in terms of editing and layout, but the first-ever English language edition of the final volume of The Edda Trilogy is slated for release in late 2023. Updates will be posted on Xitter and Instadamn and, likely, some other venues to be found in the world-wound-web as they occur. So, stay tuned (if your fate permits it)!